Colleen Cluff
I believe that one of the hardest things to do in relationships is to always assume the best. It can be so easy to take offense and not really understand what someone said or did, but in marriage, we need to always assume the best. We need to remember that our spouse is a person with feelings too, and they might just be confused, hurt, or sad and we just need to get to the real source of knowledge on the situation.
In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains these kinds of situations as not understanding your spouse’s dreams. And it can be confusing depending on the circumstance. “Dreams can operate at many different levels. Some are very practical (such as wanting to achieve a certain amount on savings), but others are profound.” (Gottman, p. 238) So, couples need to sit back and seek to understand the real source of misunderstanding. That way they can break down the gridlock between each other and come to have empathy and love for their spouse again.
The ability to create this safe environment and have the humility to say, “they don’t mean to hurt my feelings”, can be very difficult. The theory behind it makes sense and sounds simple, but in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to take a step back and evaluate the situation. My husband is so good at it, whereas I struggle to do this more than he does. I have said things to him or acted rude towards him and every time without fail he comes to me very level-headed and apologizes. It always throws me off. I don’t understand how he can be so patient and loving when I throw an accusation out, but he just is. He will then go on to ask why I felt a certain way and that he never meant to make me feel like that. Because he opens up in such a vulnerable and kind way, all my confusion and harsh feelings slip away and I find it easy to explain and realize that I caused all the hullabaloo for no reason. It becomes easier for me to make the real apology, and everything is over within a handful of minutes.
I have been very fortunate to have a husband who is so good at demonstrating to me how I should act when any bad feelings come into play. He has helped me want to become better, seek to understand, and love. He has shown me what it means to be a Christ-like person in all aspects of marriage and life, and I hope to become and be the spouse he deserves in return.
Work Sited:
Gottman, John M., Silver, Nan. (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
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