Colleen Cluff
I have come to find that in my life I have a strong desire to be right, feel loved, and know that I am getting the best possible outcome out of every situation. This isn’t always possible, and in many cases, it can be difficult to receive these things and have my husband feel the same way. We are both emotional people, just in different ways. I cry very easily and kind of break down, whereas he just kind of gets overwhelmed and holes up.
As I have been reading the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, I have come to realize that these desires and wants aren’t bad, but sometimes the way I go about getting them can be. I love my husband and I know he loves me. There has never been a question about that. But, I think sometimes one of us reads the other wrong or interprets what the other was saying incorrectly and we get confused and hurt. As mentioned by Gottman, we are trying to give each other the message that they are loved and accepted, “warts and all.” (Gottman, p. 159) We have come to understand that when we misinterpret what the other was saying that we need to give them the benefit of the doubt because we most likely didn’t mean it in a rude way. We see each other’s downfalls, quirks, and annoyances and find ways to love each other more for them.
This practice can be very difficult for many couples. Conflict shows itself in most marriages because, every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. (Gottman, p. 137) The person you marry is not going to be a mirror image of yourself. Couples need to learn to accept and love that about their spouse. If they don’t then when perpetual and even solvable conflicts arise it will be near impossible to solve them. So, I think it is very important to be willing to change yourself to become different and better in your marriage. It may stretch you, but I believe in the long run it will make it easier to accept one another.
As I have come to do this in my own marriage I have felt more comfort, peace, and acceptance. My husband is a goofball. He does some weird and “annoying” things but I get a kick out of it. And I know that I am a handful but the other day he said the sweetest thing and it made all the past and current quarrels dissipate. He said, “you’re not a handful to me, Colleen. You’re an armful that I get to scoop up and hold whenever I want.” I think when a husband loves his wife and a wife loves her husband, that when trials come, they may not seem easy at the moment to overcome but it will be simple solve.
Works Sited:
Gottman, John M., Silver, Nan. (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
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